I am writing this in hopes it makes me feel a little better and to remind myself that when I am old a grouchy I will still be kind and tolerant of others.
This week was hard......really hard on a lot of different levels. On Sunday the kids woke up really irritable and we knew it would be a rough day. I was able to go to my ward for the first time in several weeks due to ward conferences. As we sat in our usual pew in the front of the chapel there were some visitors sitting behind us. Ellie was having a lot of trouble settling down and we were in and out of the chapel quite a bit. All the while this couple is making comments behind us. After sacrament I took Noah to primary and this old gentleman passes me in the hall and comments to me on my children's behavior. Then while sitting in sunday school he makes a comment about coming to church for upliftment even though it is not always quiet like the unruly children sitting in front of him. Now I know he is an old man who knows nothing about our situation, our trials, our commitment to attending church even though it was much more difficult for us than even him but my heart broke in the public statement he made. All my insecurities about parenting were tapped into and I totally broke down in tears. The struggles we have felt in maintaining friendships resurfaced, the fact that we don't even know if we can have more kids and maybe it's because we don't do a good job was revisited. The judgment and scrutiny I feel at every thing I attend that I know I inflict in myself was felt 100 times more. I have already recluse myself attending things with my kids but not really socializing because I feel so out of place at times. I was upset on so many levels and could not get a grip on things. It was awkward and embarrassing. I tried to leave and regroup only to go in the halls and hear ellie (6 months into nursery and still not stayed a day alone) dramtaically crying and has been for the whole hour. So many people witnessed my meltdown and they were very kind and thoughtful but I just wanted to hide. At the end of the day the family came over and attempted to say some kind words ( which were explanations for why he said it that were not explanations) but it was uncomfortable. I was mad at myself for letting his statement bother me so much. I felt bad that these were parents that were visiting their son who is inactive and probably just came because his parents were visiting and I didn't want him to feel bad and not come back. I was mostly just emotionally exhausted from the week and had hit my breaking point. I was in tears a majority of the day and it felt terrible. I hope that when I am older I will remember the challenges of young children and reach out to help those struggling. It has made me more mindful of not knowing everyones circumstances and being less judgemental. My kids are amazing and they are going to do great things! We are not perfect parents but we are really trying to teach correct values and principles while loving and enjoying this journey. And guess what...we will be sitting in our same pew next week so if you are still in town old man you better buckle up for the ride or sit somewhere else!
Some good tunes!
4 comments:
I hear you. We sit in the same place most weeks, and the same people sit behind us most weeks, and our kids misbehave most weeks. A couple of Sundays ago, we were in a different pew, and a family with silent little angels sat in our regular spot. When we were all getting up to go to our separate classes, we overheard the people say to the visiting family, "Oh, YOUR kids behave so well! How nice to sit behind such a well-behaved family." Rage! First of all, they don't have to sit behind us. If they don't like it, they can move. And secondly, they don't have any clue just how hard we work with one of our kids in particular, and what her challenges are, and what her therapies are, and just how well she is doing. It makes me crazy that she is making huge progress, and all they see is the bad, not the great.
I am often afraid to take both kids anywhere for fear of the difficult behavior one of them shows, and then causes in the other. I am constantly feeling judged, and being given unsolicited parenting advice. It's maddening, and heartbreaking.
But, I am gradually developing a thicker skin, and I'm finding ways to answer people who make thoughtless or even rude comments. It's really tempting to say something snippy, but I try hard not to.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this, except to say that you are not alone. I understand you, and I feel your pain. If I were you, I would have cried, too. Heaven knows I've shed some big tears lately!
You are a great mom! You do amazing things for your kids. I have had to realize that I am a good mom, too. My kids' behavior is a result of their choices, not mine. I'm not perfect, but I'm working hard, and I know you are too.
uh...wow. how rude! it sounds like it was just the last straw on top of everything else. im sorry vanessa :(
what a grouchy man. i would have grabbed ellie and brought her crying right up behind his head and let him soak it all in :)
We'd sit behind you, with you, or wherever we could be to be by you guys! We think the world of you and Zac and your adorable kids. You two are wonderful examples for Jon and myself and we really look up to you and appreciate the generous, loving people that you are. I am always amazed with the way you interact with and treat your kids (and ours for that matter) whenever we vist. You are a blessing to your kids and to anyone who has the privilege of knowing you! And no worries, everyone needs a catharsis every once in a while:-)
Man, I am just catching up on blogs. What a horrible thing to say in front of people! At least you don't have the problem of being rude; having unruly kids is nothing in comparison to that. I used to get so upset because my kids weren't as well behaved other kids, but then I had to stop comparing myself to others. It's so true that we have no idea what other people are struggling with and just because they have the perfect looking family doesn't mean they don't have other issues.
I remember I cried uncontrollably at church on Sunday due to not being able to do something as good as someone else and I was so mad at myself for not being able to stop. I was Primary Pres. at the time and the kids were singing "I Am a Child of God" - I lost it all over again. How could I teach them about being a child of God when I felt like I wasn't good enough to be one myself?
Crazy things we (or, really, Satan) can make ourselves think. You are a great person and, I'm sure, a great mom. I always wished in high school that I could have had the strong testimony you had.
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