Ramblings

Trying to get the pictures right on this blog is driving me crazy so writing is it for today! That's good because I have had some random thoughts.

Mothers day was very nice this year.  Zac and I returned the morning of from a weekend get away (that will get it's own Post later.) We met our kids and Zac's parents at church and the kids ran to greet us which was a wonderful welcome. There was a time where mothers day at church was a totally dreaded day.  Back when we were struggling with infertility I hated standing up and awkwardly receiving a flower for my "potential to be a mother."  Now it is sometimes dreaded in a different way.  Sometimes it is the talks on all the wonderful thing a mother does that makes you feel totally inadequate as a mother. I am getting better at recognizing that all mothers are different with their different strengths and weaknesses and to compare is a great fault of mine. A sister in our ward who has no children spoke and it was such a wonderful message.  There were no "this is what I have done" phrases to make us feel like looser moms.  There was simple praise and recognition for a difficult job.  She addressed mothers of all phases including those struggling to have kids.  It was just nice. 

A while ago I was on the floor with Noah racing his race cars.  As we were happily playing I started studying my floors.  I had this huge urge to get up and clean my floors even though I was enjoying this rare one on one time with Noah.  As I battled back and forth with what I was going to do I realized that never in the future would I say "I sure wish I had cleaner floors when Noah was little." I don't want to be found saying "I wish I had played on the floor more with my kids."  I know the time I spend with them now will affect the relationship we have in the future.

My family has placed my dad in an assisted living facility.  It has been really hard on my mom and sister to care for him day and night. He is in a nice place but it has been a difficult adjustment.  His first few days there were so sad.  He was lonely and sad and that broke my heart.  I have felt depressed and lonely before but was surrounded by loved ones.  He was feeling this way but had no one and was in a foreign place.  He seems to have adjusted now and we take him to church and family dinner on Sunday.  His care is more consistent and I think he recognizes the need for the change.  Ellie and I visit often while Noah is in school but that will be more challenging this summer.

So, word is out.  We decided we wanted to add to our family.  We wanted to keep it confidential so that we could surprise friends and family since we never get to do that going through fertility treatment and needing tons of help watching the kids and all that.  Now we decided we need more help and prayers then the ability to surprise.  We are going on month six in June.  We have been doing the same treatment that we did with Noah and Ellie.  Once we found this treatment it worked the first time with Noah and the second time with Ellie.  We have done it 3 times now and have had to take 2 months off due to some cysts that developed from the medication.  We also did more testing and removed some minor blockage in my fallopian tubes.  We hope this helps in the process.  As we go through the emotional stress of this it has been difficult.  I however know more than ever that this is totally out of our hands and will go with the Lord's timing.  One day we may know why his plan was to have this larger gap in our kids ages than we wanted.  I also felt a tender mercy as I thought about those who their whole lives knew they wanted tons of kids and how additionally heartbreaking that would be.  A gaggle of kids just isn't possible for us but I know I am not the mom that could handle that anyways and that is one heartache I don't have to bear.  I do know that our family will be added upon someday and we look forward to that time with excitement.

Summer is upon us and I am looking forward to this time with my kids.  No schedules to rush out the door for.  We have some fun things planned and I will savor this time before I send Noah off to kindergarten.  We went to his orientation and I honestly felt like I was walking him into this foreign world absent of security and shelter. It is really scary but he is so excited.

Guess that is all for now!