changes

There is a lot of craziness happening in the Brodrick household. We are going to build a new house. This should be super exciting right? Except that I am a psycho. I have never done well with change, ever. Every good thing in my life has been prefaced with a very dark and lonely feeling. Going to college, getting married, kids have all freaked me out and all turned out wonderfully. For some reason my heart seems to be associating this new house with my kids growing up. I love them more than I knew possible to love anybody. Right now I want to go and crawl in Noah's bed and just hold him. I love having my kids close by. This new house is a 2 story home. I am so scared it will create distance and separation in our family at some point. It is a home we can forever live in and grow into. There is an extra bonus room upstairs that would be used as a game room to entice teenagers over. There is a community pool that we can walk to from our house. The elementary and high school are right down the road. Percentage rates are amazingly low. All great reasons to move right? Then why do I feel so sad about it!? Stairs will be really annoying with little ones but we should be able to get over that. You'd think maybe now is just not the right time but I would honestly have this anxiety anytime simply because it is change. I try to remind myslef of all the fun new family acitvities,like swimming and fireworks at the baseball stadium just up the road, riding our bikes to the school, but I still just feel lonely. Zac has been amazing and listens to me cry every other second. He would drop it completely if I said ok. The other day I asked Noah if he would like to move and he quickly replied yes that he wanted stairs. I asked then if he would miss this house. He said "no, we could take our pictures with us." I of course start tearing up and ask what else we could take to make it feel like home and he looked at Ellie and said "we could take our baby." I love that kid. He is so wise. I know a family and the things we do in it are what make a home I am just so scared for I don't know what reason. I keep praying for peace in my heart and I do have spurts of it but then as the night comes on I am in that dark place again. I hate this feeling and want it to leave.