Confessions on Infertility

Our little Noah will be 2 next month and Zac and I recently decided it was time to grow our family. This means going through yet again the roller coaster and unknowns of fertility treatment. Not knowing if the treatment would work again and if not that we would move on to adoption made us feel a little more anxious because we don't want a huge age gap and if we go the adoption route there could be one. So we headed into a specialist 2 months ago. We did one round of the same thing we did with Noah, hormone shots and then an intrauterine insemination. Using a very low dose of the hormone I only produced one egg and our expectations for success were very low. We set ourselves up for it to fail and while I was in NYC we found out it was a bust. I really wasn't too upset because I felt prepared. Now, for the feelings I never expected. We did another round and this time upped my dose. I produced 5 EGGS! I was happy for the increase at first but then the reality of the situation set in. I feel in no way able to raise multiples. I truly feel incapable of it. I also fear carrying multiples will be difficult and they are often premature and have health issues and that would be so challenging. I spent a few days very upset that we had to figure out whether to go forward with the procedure or cancel. I was very upset and anxious. The funny think is I cried when we did this with Noah because I only had 2 eggs and would have been elated to have had five. But now that I know the reality of motherhood I am terrified. I am already a naturally anxious person and was nervous about baby #2 to start. I am just now starting to figure some things out! I honestly am ok with the fact that we have to do all of this but feel slitted in that I also had to decide to continue and risk a multiple birth.....in no way to I want to make the news! I know all children are blessings and I hope this doesn't come off sounding ungrateful or unwanting of children, I'd just like to pace myself. After a blessing and many prayers, we decided to continue on with the procedure. For me this is a true act of faith. Heavenly Father will not give me more than I can bare. He knows our family and maybe this is the way it is to be. I know I am writing as if we are for sure pregnant and it is for sure multiples but again, I do better when I prepare myself. This too could have not even worked and then we would be back to square one. So now, the two week wait to see if it worked! I know this was a bunch of rambling but that is how my brain feels right now. Anyways, I am off to enjoy my little miracle and continue to anxiously await the results!