my greatest desire

11 days ago I was happy.  We had a house full of 49 people here to celebrate Zac's birthday.  That feels so very long ago. Ever since we signed those papers for the house I am in hell.  My anxiety is extreme with continual heart racing, shaking hands, throwing up, not eating, crying all the time....it is so terrible.  I can present every rational thought as to why this anxiety is ridiculous but it doesn't go away.   I feel this house is amazing for our family but the only thing preventing us from going forward with it is the sheer panic I feel.....it is not a feeling from the spirit.  There are so many unknowns in our lives, if we will have more children at all, if we will have multiples, if the market will go crazy again, if we will later find a house to meet as many criteria as this one, if this hopelessness will ever leave.  I am trying so hard to plan for the future and what will work and am totally missing out on the now. I am my worst enemy yo yoing myself and my sweet husband back and forth.  I want to give my kids a huge yard, community pool, members of the church at his school, ability to walk to and from the high school, watch stadium fireworks in our back yard....and yes stairs for Noah.  I want that for them more than anything and we are cable to give it.  Will we save as much as we always have in the past...no but we tend to be oversavers anyways.  Is that what is best for them?  Can I overcome this anxiety, and do the house and do fertility treatment and deal with Noah going to kindergarten?  Noah has been such a trooper and I feel guilty my kids see me like this,  One of the first things Noah told his grammie on the phone is that his mommy is really sick.  If it was for a baby that would be sweet but not for anxiety...that is just so sad.  I have wanted nothing the past 8 months but to have another baby and now even that is creating panic in me as I deal with everything else.  We have a nice home now but we always said it was not the end all.  It is an extremely open floor plan and I struggle with how that will work as our kids get older. I have this crazy need to provide constant stimulation for my children and end up taking them places every day to fulfill this and doing little else but entertain them.  Zac is my rock and the greatest blessing in my life as he loves me through this all.  I am in an endless cycle.  As I think how ridiculous it is that I feel this way when so many others have real and true heartbreaking struggles......why is change my issue?! I feel surrounded by people who love and care for me yet totally isolated and alone.  They all seem so normal and easy going and I just want that back.....please, I want that back.