Where I am at

Wow...it has been a struggle here at the Brodrick home.  As I try to sort through my never ending thoughts I feel so hopeless.  The house lot has been sold to someone else so that is over.  It is crazy because that intense, horrible anxiety I was feeling has mostly gone.  It has been replaced with a sad, melancholy, disappointment that will always be lingering.  As I write about all this it is hard to explain but although everything was triggered by a house it is not about a house.....it is a much deeper and emotional thing that projects onto so many other areas of my life.  Yes, I am heartbroken and regretful that I allowed my weakness to get in the way of a home that would be great for our family.  I know that some day we will probably move and I will have to face this crazy anxiety head on and probably end up in a home not quite as ideal as this one was.  I can't dwell on that but I do.  So it is about a house but it isn't.  This trigger moves on to greater things......I am trying to figure out my whole life and future in one weeks time.  I have legitimate fears of my kids growing up and falling away from the gospel young...I don't want to experience that.  I can tell myself all the things we do and will do to keep them strong but I am still so scared.  My family has not developed as I envisioned it and I want them to be close as siblings and am sad that age will be a factor preventing that when they are younger.  I have wanted a baby for the pass 8 months and now this experience with intense anxiety has me questioning if that is the best thing for us.  I hate Noah going to kindergarten....hate it.  I don't like the schedule, rushing around in the mornings, chopping up our days, worrying that he is happy there.....hate it.  I want to be enjoying this one on one time with Ellie but am so anxious about these other things that I feel it is getting overlooked.  I know these fears are ridiculous and that we will grow and develop as a family naturally and slowly but it doesn't change this negative, dark feeling.  I then think of others I know that have real true heartbreak happening in their lives and think this is so ridiculous to be having this struggle right now.  I am so so so blessed with a beautiful family, great home, friends and support.  Others are sending spouses to war, watching their little children battle disease, loosing jobs...etc...that is real...this is crazy and that just adds guilt to these sad and anxious feelings. I am trying so hard to focus on today and the now and not worry so much about the future.  The one little tiny shining glimmer of good that has come from all of this is Zac.  Never in our 9 years of marriage have I felt more loved and cared for than now.  Even with my never ending flow of tears he was still homesick when he was out of town for 3 days.  Never once has he lost his patience with me or avoided my phone call or told me to just get over it.  He truely loves me and for that I am so grateful.